The Dirty DZL

Company softball team

2008-10-17T15:58:10Z

Hey, I almost never post, but when I do write things, it's almost always about my company softball team. We had a particularly dramatic game last night in the league semi-finals. Here is the recap that went out to my whole office:
*******************************************************************************************************
The Greatest Comeback in Playoff History: Sharks 15, Dreyfus 14

It was a memorable night in Boston, with the Red Sox charging back from a 7-0 deficit to beat the Tampa Bay Rays and keep their season alive. But anybody who was at Riverbank Park a few hours before witnessed something far greater, far more improbable, and infinitely more thrilling than that. A portent of the classic MLB comeback that happened later in the night, yes; but so much more. It was a timeless, breathtaking, heartbreaking, soul-shaking shocker that will never be forgotten.

After a scoreless first inning, Dreyfus struck first in the top of the second, sending two runners across for a small early lead. The Sharks knotted it up at 2 apiece in the bottom of the second though. Greg "Mustang GT" Tedesco got things going with a line-drive single, followed by a Dreyfus error, and a 2-RBI single from Chris Ellis. Dreyfus tallied 3 more in the top of the third, and the Sharks were only able to answer with two of their own. Seth Brett singled, then scored on a throwing error following a Matt Wong single. Wong was then driven home with a sacrifice fly by the Mustang. Dreyfus kept up the attack, sending one more run home in the 4th, making the score 6-4.

The Sharks revved the offense back up in the 5th. Brett singled, the legend of Bill Reilly doubled, and then Scott Baldwin delivered a clutch 2-out, 2-RBI double to bring two across. The teams headed into the 6th inning with the score even at 6 apiece.

Then all hell broke loose. The Sharks defense came unhinged, booting some easy plays and allowing Dreyfus to score 4, to make it 10-6. The Sharks were only able to get one run back in the 6th, and needed an airtight defensive 7th inning to give themselves a chance in the bottom of the inning. But it was as airtight as a screen door, as a mysterious wind started brewing, making balls change in flight and leading to a handful of Sharks miscues. With four more runs in, Dreyfus had a commanding 14-7 lead heading to the bottom of the 7th, the Sharks' last chance for redemption.

The situation looked bleak. But something weird started happening. That mysterious wind began to whip itself into a swirling frenzy of gushing gales. It would blow east, then west, then briefly stop, then quickly revive in a new direction. The Dreyfus pitcher tried in vain to throw a strike, any strike, but once the ball was in the air he could do nothing. It was as though the Softball Gods were punishing Dreyfus for some unspoken atrocity, some dastardly act of softball treason that needed to be avenged. Billy Reilly walked. Scott Baldwin walked. Liz Todrin reached on an error. Michele Whitehill walked. Jen Reilly walked. Now it was 14-9 with the bases loaded and the heart of the Sharks order approaching.

Then the wind stopped. An eerie calm crept over the field, temporarily disguising the sadistic cycle of softball sorcery that was about to unfold. Dan Zaret ripped a bases-clearing triple. 14-12. Seth Brett smoked a drive that hit the top of the fence in left, missing a game-tying homer by less than a foot, still ending up with a double. 14-13. Matt Wong grounded a sharp single to left field, sending Brett home with the tying run, but getting tagged out at third trying to advance on the throw home. Tie game, two outs, bottom of the 7th, the legend of Bill Reilly approaching the plate. And suddenly, with one majestic swing, he sent a monstrous blast soaring towards the fence in left. It hit near the top of the 30 foot high fence, and by the time the ball ricocheted back on to the field, he was already home with the winning run.

It was a fitting end to a game for the ages. The despondent Dreyfus team could only shake their heads about the ill-timed events that had befallen them, while the gleeful Sharks reveled in the glorious comeback win. Next up, on Tuesday at 7:30, is a finals rematch against Cambridge, who the Sharks defeated 7-3 in last year's title game. With a chance to repeat, the Sharks are looking to solidify their place in history as one of the great softball franchises of our time. Come out to watch and cheer us on as we seek to keep the title where it belongs - on top of the coffee bar at 919 Third Ave.

-DZ

Softball championship!

2007-10-17T14:29:29Z

My work softball team, the Weber Shandwick Sharks, won the league championship last night. It was pretty awesome. Somebody dumped a pitcher of water on my head at the bar as a celebratory "gatorade bath". Pretty sweet!

New Explodeon song ready to melt your earholes

2007-07-19T14:17:47Z

Check out a brand new rock and roll song by your favorite virtual band, Explodeon.

http://www.yousendit.com/download/elNKeVdwTlFiV3cwTVE9PQ

This one is called "Key to Pleasure Mountain". It features Buck Redhawk (also known as

shekb) on scorching lead vocals. Colt Nighthawk (also known as me) is on backups vocals and all intruments. Enjoy!!!

Pleasure Mountain on a sunny afternoon:

Happy Birthday Shek!

2007-07-06T13:45:42Z

We celebrated in style - by taking bad pictures:

Billion-dollar idea

2007-05-09T20:56:05Z

So I've come up with an idea that will make me rich. The amazing thing about this idea is that it's for a beauty product. That's right...dannyz, man's man, guy's guy, dude's dude, and someone who rarely interacts with the opposite sex, has come up with an idea for a woman's product.

The idea: Steak-flavored lip gloss/lip balm for women.

Here's the rub (pun intended): pretty much every lip product for chicks tastes like fruit of some sort, or bubble-gum. There's no variety. I don't eat much fruit, so why would I get excited about kissing a girl who tastes like fruit? I do, however, LOVE steak. If you were a lady with steak-flavored lips, I would kiss you more tenderly and deeply than any man has ever kissed you before.

And you know what's so great about it? THE GIRL GETS TO TASTE THAT DELICIOUS STEAK ALL DAY LONG. So who wins? EVERYBODY WINS. But especially me because I will be the patent holder.

Unfortunately, everybody I've shared this idea with so far thinks it's stupid. Well, I think I must have only shared it with retarded people. This is a goddamn gold-mine. So tell me, people of the internet, how excited are you for steak-flavored lip gloss? Kind of excited, extremely excited, or STEAKCITED?????

New, awesome, awesomer Explodeon song

2007-04-20T03:11:31Z

Head over to www.myspace.com/explodeon right now to catch the hottest new track from rock and roll demigods EXPLODEON - "Cock of the Walk". This jam features Bronco Blackhawk on vocals and Colt Nighthawk on guitars, bass, and drums. It's the real deal!

HD TV PROJECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-03T14:19:38Z

Our new HD TV projector is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. It's the most incredible thing I've ever owned. It's 8 feet wide and 4 feet high. I cried last night while watching basketball because it was so beautiful. I feel like I won the lottery. The lottery of life. There's absolutely nothing more I could want from my house than what I have now. It's perfect. I'm living like a rich man, like a famous athlete on an episode of Cribs. I've gone skydiving over the Swiss Alps, which was heretofore the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That is but a shadow of a memory now...this TV beats it by a mile. Breathtaking.

Tall!

2007-03-28T14:43:21Z

The world's tallest man got married. He's a 7'9" herdsman from Mongolia. What the hell is a herdsman? Is it like a shepherd? Does he herd some other type of animal that is not a sheep?

Either way, this dude is scary looking. He's like Yao Ming's retarded older brother. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this.

I bet Barbaro was delicious

2007-02-09T17:36:06Z

This is a great article about eating horsemeat (like horse sausage and horse salami). It's time we started branching out and eating more animals, as there just aren't enough meats available for me to cook on my grill. Up next: dog!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1587279,00.html?xid=site-cnn-partner

Roast!!!

2007-01-14T22:43:12Z

More pics here!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/danzaret/sets/72157594479349464/

Sweet band name of the week: "Savatage"

2006-12-11T18:57:22Z

I just discovered this group "Savatage". They're an 80's metal band in the Judas Priest/Iron Maiden mold. Pretty good tunes, even better name. See, it combines the words "Savage" and "Sabotage", both of which are kick-ass things that relate to heavy metal music. Brilliant!

Just Say No!vember 2006

2006-11-21T20:17:30Z

Days sober: 21
Banjos bought: 1
Drinks had: 0
Drugs used: none
Good night's sleep: many
Gotten the shakes: every waking moment
Want a drink: now now now
Seriously, want a drink now: 10 more days
Are you sure: yes
Your willpower is quite strong: Strong maybe, foolish definitely
Is it worth it: I'll tell you when I start drinking again
I didn't know it was possible to masturbate that much: me neither.

Liberal blogs/websites?

2006-11-08T21:47:47Z

Does anybody know of any good liberal blogs or websites where I can go to read people gloating about the elections? After 6 years of being pissed off about politics, I need some good brain candy. Thanks!

Bryan Adams is not as shitty as you think he is

2006-10-23T22:10:03Z

Bryan Adams is not as shitty as you think he is. Obviously, he wrote "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" from the "Robin Hood" soundtrack, which we all hold-hands-skated to at the roller rink in 5th grade (at least I did. In fact it was the only action I got between ages 1-17). And of course he sits way down the line on the "Roots Rocker Geneology Tree", which is presented below for those who are unfamiliar:

Godfather: Bob Dylan (not actually a roots rocker himself, but his folk-rock style paved the way for the rest)
1) Bruce Springsteen
t-2) Bob Seger
t-2) Tom Petty
4) John Mellencamp
5) Bryan Adams
6) Tom Cochrane ("Life is a Highway" guy)

But Adams, which I just found out, actually penned a huge number of hits for other bands (including Kiss, Joe Cocker, .38 Special, Roger Daltrey, Bonnie Raitt, Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion, Tina Turner, Loverboy, and many others). "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" was one of the longest running #1 hits in history (8 weeks). He also organized and wrote the song for the Canadian edition of "We are the World", the Supergroup-Raise-Money-For-Starving-Africans concept. Finally, he has the longest biography I've ever seen on allmusic.com.

So I'm declaring the last week of October to be "Bryan Adams Awareness Week". Please don't confuse it with "Breast Cancer Awareness Week" or anything that requires you to wear pink. Instead, try listening to more Bryan Adams, and being Canadian, and having some scars on your face, and singing with a raspy voice, and writing hit songs for other people.

The nature of evil

2006-10-12T18:01:26Z

Flying airplanes into buildings

For it: Al-Qaeda, the New York Yankees
Against it: Everybody else

The gap between Bin Laden and Stenibrenner continues to grow smaller by the day. Next thing you know, Derek Jeter will be leading an insurgency in Fallujah while Al-Zarqawi pinchs-hits for Matsui against lefties. That makes the Tigers like George Bush, except with more guys that throw 100 mph. Baseball fever -- catch it!!!

Super awesome news about me

2006-10-06T13:48:33Z

I went to the Tigers-Yankees game yesterday! It was awesome!!! I got a call at midnight on Wednesday night from this guy I know who had an extra ticket, because he took his girlfriend to the rain delay game Wednesday but then she couldn't make it the next day for the 1:00 pm makeup. So I got to go! I bounced out of work at noon and saw the DETROIT TIGERS win a playoff game at YANKEE STADIUM. One of the sweetest moments of my life. What a day!

Awesome songs update

2006-09-26T18:37:51Z

Every now and again I discover a song that's so awesome that I'm shocked that I never discovered it before. This time, it's "Chinatown" by Thin Lizzy. This song kicks so much ass it's unbelievable. Rush out today and listen to this song!!!

CONFIDENCE

2006-09-26T14:16:54Z

Confidence is the ability to see the best in every situation. To know that no matter what happens, wherever the chips may fall, that you will still come out on top, still be number one, still be King Shit of the this whole fucking biatch.

Confidence is the way I feel when I play basketball against an Asian.

Confidence is what I feel when I defeat a video game on the Easy level.

Confidence is doing math. 10 x 2? 20. 17 + 12? 29. A billion divided by a billion? One. A billion minus a billion? ZERO BILLION.

Confidence is when I smile at an ugly girl.

Confidence is arm-wrestling with a child.

Confidence is rap-battling a mute.

Confidence is making out with a girl who just puked.

Confidence is burning ants with a magnifying glass on a sunny day.

Confidence is smoking a cigarette without coughing more than twice.

Confidence is eating more Thanksgiving turkey than my grandmother.

Confidence is drag-racing an unsuspecting senior citizen.

Confidence is being in love with somebody who’s better than you.

Confidence is looking in the mirror for an hour every morning, making sure each hair is combed juuuuuuust right.

Confidence is dancing while nobody’s watching.

Confidence is knowing that no matter where the chips just fell, that I’m still close to the top, I’m still in the top five, that I’m still Prince Poop of most of this fucking biatch..

Company Softball Season Over

2006-09-08T19:42:29Z

Well, my company softball team lost last night in the semifinals of the playoffs. We finished our season with a fantastic record of 10-2. I'm sad it's over but the memories will last a lifetime, or at least as long as BlogSpot is still running, where you can read all about the games right here:
http://webershandwicksports.blogspot.com/

Go Sharks!

Showdown in the Bronx!

2006-08-29T14:31:34Z

The Major League-leading Detroit Tigers are coming to New York this week to face the AL East-leading Yankees in a three game series! I will be there to attend every game of this series, with the exception of the last two. Tonight's opener will pit me and mrkevincostner in a race against time to get drunk at his Harlem apartment before the game. The expected starters are a Sprite bottle filled with vodka for me, and a coke bottle filled with rum for Tony. Feel the excitement of a playoff race!

vs.

I got in a fight with a girl last night

2006-08-25T21:39:06Z

Last night I went to happy hour and then to this meathead all you can drink beer until midnight for $15 place. I got drunk. Later in the night, I was on the dance floor, doing my thing, making the magic happen, etc. Some bitchy girl was pushing her way by and knocked some of my beer on me. Not liking her attitude, I launched into a riverdance and "accidentally" kicked her lightly in the butt with a flailing leg. Well, she was not pleased by the move, despite the pseudo-authenticity of my dance steps. She went to the bathroom, filled up a plastic cup with water, and returned and threw the cup at me, soaking my $25 polo shirt (one of the nicest in my collection of 10 polo shirts). So I poured my whole beer on her head.

Then, things got ugly. This crazy chick attacked me, attempting to claw me with her fem-nails. She managed to nick me on the nose, drawing a miniscule amount of blood in the process, before a solid straight-arm backed her off, at which point my friends yanked her away. Her boyfriend, Mr. Clean, came over as though to defend her honor. Luckily, the bouncers had already seen the commotion and were there instantly to give them both the old heave-ho. At this point I thought the fun was over, but it was not.

Fifteen minutes later, I was still on the dance floor, and I look up and see Mr. Clean standing outside of the bar, staring in at me through the window. He's there for another 30 minutes or so, patiently waiting as if he was letting one of his patented soap products break down the grease on a soiled dish. Finally, the bouncers came and found me and my friends, and told us that we had to leave. I wasn't sure why, but headed outside to find 5 or 6 members of the NYPD awaiting us. Thankfully, there were plenty of New York's finest available to investigate the tragedy of a crazy girl getting kicked in the butt. After making a variety of empty threats about how I could have been arrested for assault, the buffoon of an officer finally let me go with a stern warning to get a New York driver's license, as if somehow that would have kept me out of trouble. I managed to suppress a laugh and headed away scott-free, with the exception of the scratch on my nose. Crazy night!

Morning after pill legalized!!!

2006-08-24T13:35:37Z

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/08/24/morning.after.pill.ap/index.html

Yeah!!! Time to burn those condoms!!! The free love era is BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Save the children

2006-08-18T14:16:17Z

I'm pretty sure that this guy is NOT the Jon Benet Ramsay killer. You know why I think that? Because this guys is TOO MUCH of a child molester. I think that some detective just decided to find the most molesterish-looking dude they could find, then cut a deal with him. The detective solves the biggest case of his life, then this guy gets some money, some brief jail time, and then he gets to write a book about molesting Jon Benet and make a bunch more money. It's a win-win! And the public will never doubt for a second that this guy is a molester.

In other news, I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER******* SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER******* PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BBQ City, USA

2006-08-15T14:05:52Z

This is a sample of just one of many delicious meats cooked at my new house this weekend. I call this one the "Breakfast Burger". It was delicious.

Company softball!!!

2006-08-10T14:34:33Z

Guys, my company softball team wrapped up the regular season last night with a 19-4 demolition of our arch-rivals. We finished the year 9-1, and now are headed to the playoffs. Get excited! Read my overly wordy blog post/email I sent to the whole office right here:

http://webershandwicksports.blogspot.com/